I think that I’ll be
ok I think everything will be fine no it won’t I think I’ll make it through this no I won’t
help me I think I’ll be able to handle this on my own.
I mean I got myself into this emotional mess didn’t i
I’m too concerned with not hurting others I need to worry about myself I need help everything is getting too hard for me I can’t handle this
Failing almost all of my classes
Lately I’ve been coming closer and closer to an edge. How funny it is that I’m there for everyone else but no one is there for me. No one even notices. No one even asks. All that happens is that people push me away. I’m an outsider. I don’t get invited to my own best friends birthday party, when my friends stand in a circle I somehow can’t fit into it, no one misses me when I miss school, my boyfriend doesn’t even make an attempt with me anymore, my mom is always screaming at me taking out her stress on me, my step dad doesn’t talk to me anymore and neither does my real father.
I want to die
To be honest I am ultimately done with the way my life is going now. I’m just done with the fighting and being unsure about my future. If I even have a future. I just need to get out of this situation, but its beyond my control. They say you should learn to accept things you can’t control, but how do you accept those things if they’re what is leading you to a downward spiral. I feel like I have to walk on thin ice with everything and stay near the edge so in case the ice breaks I have something to grab on to. The only problem is that what I’d be grabbing on to is weak also and will break in time. There are only a few things that make me happy, and those things are being demolished by those around me. I just don’t want to deal with this anymore because the further into this situation I get, the worse and harder it is. And there’s no one there to help me. I know it won’t get better ever because in the end nothing will be the same and my life will be in crumbles.
Depression is basically like falling into a hole, but no one sees you fall. It feels like a downward spiral, with a hard rock bottom. Once you hit the bottom you can barely see the light at the top, but you can see people peering down at you. The worst part about those people looking down to you, is that only a few will actually help you, most want nothing to do with you and your “negative” ways.
My depression is weird, I used to think it wasn’t good enough compared to the depression of other people. I used to think that no one cared to help me. That was until I realized that no one was helping me because I wasn’t letting anyone. I don’t let anyone in, that’s my problem. I have walls, I try to take them down and become comfortable with people and more outgoing..but depression is home to me. It’s easier for me to be sad, it’s easier for me to be quiet and shy and let people walk all over me. And even though that’s easier for me, it doesn’t mean that I like falling into my depression holes. It doesn’t mean that I don’t need someone to help me back on my feet when I fall. Because I do, and there’s never anyone there who sees me falling.
Over the course of this year I’ve been dealing with the emotional strain of my parents court battle over us moving. It’s just beginning to really hit me now how upset its making me. I hate not knowing what my future is going to be. And what’s pushing me further down in the hole this time is that my step father is giving up on us. I’m so sick of everyone giving up on me always.