Depression

I think that I’ll be ok I think everything will be fine no it won’t I think I’ll make it through this no I won’t

help me I think I’ll be able to handle this on my own.
I mean I got myself into this emotional mess didn’t i stupid girl
I’m too concerned with not hurting others I need to worry about myself I need help everything is getting too hard for me I can’t handle this

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Lately

Lately I’ve been coming closer and closer to an edge. How funny it is that I’m there for everyone else but no one is there for me. No one even notices. No one even asks. All that happens is that people push me away. I’m an outsider. I don’t get invited to my own best friends birthday party, when my friends stand in a circle I somehow can’t fit into it, no one misses me when I miss school, my boyfriend doesn’t even make an attempt with me anymore, my mom is always screaming at me taking out her stress on me, my step dad doesn’t talk to me anymore and neither does my real father.

I want to die

Feels

Depression is basically like falling into a hole, but no one sees you fall. It feels like a downward spiral, with a hard rock bottom. Once you hit the bottom you can barely see the light at the top, but you can see people peering down at you. The worst part about those people looking down to you, is that only a few will actually help you, most want nothing to do with you and your “negative” ways.
My depression is weird, I used to think it wasn’t good enough compared to the depression of other people. I used to think that no one cared to help me. That was until I realized that no one was helping me because I wasn’t letting anyone. I don’t let anyone in, that’s my problem. I have walls, I try to take them down and become comfortable with people and more outgoing..but depression is home to me. It’s easier for me to be sad, it’s easier for me to be quiet and shy and let people walk all over me. And even though that’s easier for me, it doesn’t mean that I like falling into my depression holes. It doesn’t mean that I don’t need someone to help me back on my feet when I fall. Because I do, and there’s never anyone there who sees me falling.
Over the course of this year I’ve been dealing with the emotional strain of my parents court battle over us moving. It’s just beginning to really hit me now how upset its making me. I hate not knowing what my future is going to be. And what’s pushing me further down in the hole this time is that my step father is giving up on us. I’m so sick of everyone giving up on me always.

St.Thomas

The first time I ever heard your name was the end of summer. During dinner my parents just threw out the name “St. Thomas.” At the time I had no idea where exactly that was. They mentioned a job, and moving, and also that they were going down next weekend to meet the people that they would be “doing business with.” I stayed at my grandmothers house for the weekend and day dreamed about living in the Caribbean.

The first time we met in December, we were only together for 3 days. I hated it, it being you. I hated the island and everything about it. When I left home it was 15 degrees, when I arrived on island, it was in the high 80’s; I was wearing uggs, leggings, and a sweater. I was dying.

The first day on island consisted of me complaining about the heat, and being super tired. At night me and my sister stayed alone in the apartment that our step dad had been living in since October. The next morning was utter hell when we had to get up early and go to tour a school known as Montessori. I had so much hatred for the island already that I automatically hated the school. We were late to get there because we got lost, and the girls I had to shadow weren’t too happy about being late to art class.

All day I had people starring at me, taking pictures of me, asking me tons of questions and telling me I’m really pretty. I was extremely uncomfortable. The way they taught was weird, it was very indirect. The math teacher was 15 minutes late to class! And when they asked where I was visiting from I’d say “New York area” and they’d go “Oh..far travels..” and walk away. I only met one nice person there and his name was CJ (I think). He was actually kind of funny and his Indian friend was nice too, I stuck near them most of the day. I left school that day in tears telling my mom I didn’t want to move to that shit hole.

My parents thought it was a good idea to bring us to another school the next day, a rich prep kid school. “Oh great,” I thought, “a school full of white rich snobs.” The thing about this school was that they did things like my school does, and they had some really good opportunities. Hours after the meeting we flew home to the snow.

Our second encounter was in February over winter break. This trip lasted a week and was much better than the last. This time, my sister and I got to work at the restaurant every night, it was great. On the Tuesday I went to visit the prep school. The girl I shadowed had long blonde hair, her name was Graceann, she was really nice.

All of the kids asked the normal “oh who are you,” “did you move here yet,” “your parents own that place?!” “do you like it here?” Graceann took me around to different buildings, the art room was my favorite. Before exiting the art room the art teacher told me that I had a beautiful soul and a beautiful name..that confused me slightly.

The best part of visiting that school was the person that I met. His name is Michael, and he is the most perfect person in the entire world and I love him with all my heart. The story with him is funny actually. In Earth Science was the first time I saw him. He clearly saw me considering that he was starring at me the entire class. My first thoughts were “Why the hell is that kid starring at me?!” “Oh my god he’s still looking.. ok just look away for a while” “I can’t look away he’s gorgeous,” “Dude holy shit stop looking at me!” This went on for basically every class that I had with him. I have to admit that when we were walking from class to class I did one of those sizing up things where you see if he’s taller than you, he was.

Later that night I was working at the restaurant and I was checking my Facebook, the girls I had met today were all friend requesting me along with a certain boy by the name of Michael. I contemplated accepting his request, but accepted it anyway even though I was creeped out. Minutes later my facebook messenger went off “Hey” it read. It was him, he was messaging me. I freaked out and told my sister and my mom because well, I was freaked out! I responded anyway. He asked me a lot of questions, eventually I gave him my instagram account and cell phone number.

Turns out we had lots in common! We even lived on the same side of the island. This time when I went home I was sad to be leaving my love, St. Thomas, and my admirer. I cried on the plane because I didn’t want to leave. I didn’t want to leave and Michael had just told me that he was moving to St. Croix. Of course the one person who starts talking to me, who could make it easier for me when I move down, is moving off the island. When I went home I kept texting him, we started to skype and talk on the phone a lot. I made him get a snapchat and me and my friends would send him ridiculous amounts of funny pictures.

Our 3rd and most recent time together was the end of March and the first week of April. This time I had friends (Michael) to hang out with. Just me and my mom went down, it was glorious to be without my sister all week!

The first time Michael and I were supposed to hang out was a dinner date at my parents restaurant, it didn’t happen because his plane back from St. Croix got delayed till the next morning. There was a bright side to this though, he wasn’t going to school the next day so we got to hangout then. We went to the beach, we did the normal go in water, take long walks on the beach romantic nonsense. Our first kiss happened on this date. After we dropped him off at his house and I went to work.

Later in the week I went to the movies with him and his friends. We saw Olympus has Fallen. I was pretty good, but it scared me because it was about Korea taking over and this was around the time when Korea threatened to bomb us. His mom brought me back to the restaurant. They have this adorable little dog that’s really cute and small. The next day was utter perfection.

We went to the cove to go swimming, but didn’t stay there for the entire day. After his other friends showed up we went to Wendy’s and went “around the field” as they call it. A while after that we went to a different beach. It was super wavy there. Michael and I kind of went and did our own thing. We did a lot of kissing at this beach. Eventually all of us went to the hot tub. A while after that two of his friends left, so it was just me Michael and Romani. Romani did his own thing though since Michael and I were very..involved with each other.

Michael’s mom was really late to pick us up, so we got to stand around together for a long time, it was amazing. After she finally got us, we went back to her cafe and the three of us had hot chocolate. The next day was almost as great. I had to fly home on that day, Michael and I had no plans to hang out at first. I spent most of the morning crying while packing because I didn’t want to leave that badly. For the first time in a while I was actually happy! My mom then told me I could ask him to brunch with us, he said yes. After we got food he came back to our place and we just laid on my bed for a while. He was with me up to the last possible minute that we could wait before going to the airport. Before we left my room we had one last cute moment that made me want to cry my eyes out.

At this point I’m heart broken. 2,000 miles away from both of my loves. My now boyfriend Michael, and my favorite place in the entire world cannot be mine. Why exactly is it that life is entirely unfair? In what way did I deserve to be teased with a fantastic life that I could’ve had, and then have the opportunity ripped out of my grip. Why would I be so privileged to have someone like Michael in my life, but then not be allowed to be with him? Why is my relationship with Michael so star crossed? I will never know the answers to any of those questions, but I do know that I will forever remember and love my memories from St. Thomas.